Been back from Canada for just over a week now, and am in terrible turmoil still. Up untill Saturday, I thought things might be, overall, OK. Kevin was calling me his girlfriend, even told me that he loved me a couple of times. And then I asked the hard questions.
Do you love me? Are you still mad at me? That sort of thing… and the answers were painful, he still doesn’t know if he loves me. He’s confused. He’s ‘not happy’ with me… still mad, in other words, but doesn’t want to admit it. But at least he still wants to be friends. So, I guess I’m just going to have to accept that, for now. Have to be OK with that… though I really don’t want to be. I just want to be with him, to feel his love again. Want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, thats all. But he won’t do that… can’t, something. I don’t know.
I think he’s scared, scared of loving me. Scared that he’s going to drag me around the country and make me unhappy… But, I’ll do anything in the world to be with him, to be by his side. I guess I am going to Spain this fall… four months away from each other. I’m scared to death what that will do. Maybe it’ll be good… maybe just one month (Canada), wasn’t/isn’t long enough for him to see how much I mean to him. I just… I just hope that someday we’re together again. Thats all. I love him, I miss him, and I want to be with him, always and forever.
Because I’ve always loved him, always. And I always will… I know that, there’s no question in my mind. His dad says he just ‘needs to grow up’… I hope he hurries it up, because I just want to be loved. And nobody else in the world, means anything to me, besides him (and my family, of course). I have zero desire to be with anyone else, ever. I just love him too much. I want to hear his voice everyday, lay beside him every night, hold him in my arms, rub his back. I just love him.