Two more weeks…

Wow, I can´t believe that I only have two weeks left here in Spain. Spain, Salamanca more specificlly, has become home, something that I really wasn´t sure it would be. But it has… I now feel more at home here, wandering around Salamanca, then I ever did in the 2.5 odd years I lived down in Nelsonville/Athens. I know that I still haven´t fully realized that I´m leaving in two weeks, and not coming back for who knows how long. I´ll come back to Spain, to Salamanca someday I know… I just don´t know when.

There´s also a growing realization that of all the things that I want and do not want to do… I really just don´t want to go back to Ohio, go back to school in Athens… it just doesn´t sound like fun to me anymore, at all. So, I´m looking around at other schools, trying to find something that would/could be interesting, fun even. I still don´t really know what I want to study, though I´m leaning farther and farther away from the whole biolgy/natural resources thing, honestly. Am thinking more and more about International Studies or somesuch. It´d be a good bit more buisnessy (which sounds boring), but at the same time, could lead to a job in which I got to travel more. I don´t really know. I´ll just have to wait and see… see how this summer goes.

Been back from Canada for just over a week now, and am in terrible turmoil still. Up untill Saturday, I thought things might be, overall, OK. Kevin was calling me his girlfriend, even told me that he loved me a couple of times. And then I asked the hard questions.

Do you love me? Are you still mad at me? That sort of thing… and the answers were painful, he still doesn’t know if he loves me. He’s confused. He’s ‘not happy’ with me… still mad, in other words, but doesn’t want to admit it. But at least he still wants to be friends. So, I guess I’m just going to have to accept that, for now. Have to be OK with that… though I really don’t want to be. I just want to be with him, to feel his love again. Want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, thats all. But he won’t do that… can’t, something. I don’t know.

I think he’s scared, scared of loving me. Scared that he’s going to drag me around the country and make me unhappy… But, I’ll do anything in the world to be with him, to be by his side. I guess I am going to Spain this fall… four months away from each other. I’m scared to death what that will do. Maybe it’ll be good… maybe just one month (Canada), wasn’t/isn’t long enough for him to see how much I mean to him. I just… I just hope that someday we’re together again. Thats all. I love him, I miss him, and I want to be with him, always and forever.

Because I’ve always loved him, always. And I always will… I know that, there’s no question in my mind. His dad says he just ‘needs to grow up’… I hope he hurries it up, because I just want to be loved. And nobody else in the world, means anything to me, besides him (and my family, of course). I have zero desire to be with anyone else, ever. I just love him too much. I want to hear his voice everyday, lay beside him every night, hold him in my arms, rub his back. I just love him.

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Pain.

Its over, its all over. Today (well, last night really), Kevin broke up with me. It hurts more than I can ever possibly describe. I don’t know what to do, I really really do not. I am going to Canada on monday, leaving at 6:00am. On the 25th of august i am flying from pittsburgh to spain. I won’t be back untill December. God knows where Kevin will be by then. I hope somewhere, where I can get to though, hopefully somewhere here in the states.

I will follow him for the rest of my life, begging for forgiveness, and for him to take me back. I really don’t know if it will ever happen though.

I feel so incredibly stupid and retarded, so ashamed of myself that I can’t even describe it. I don’t know what to do or to say, I don’t know who I can talk to. I have to stop begging him to take me back though – as is its only causing him more pain and hurt. I have to grow up, I have to move on, but I just really don’t know how to. I feel much like I did when I came home from camp to my parents getting divorced – only, somehow this is even worse. All that I want to do now, is curl up in some dark, damp corner and die. I don’t know how to live without him, I don’t know what I’m going to do, who I’m going to be. He was – is – my world. And without him, I have nothing, nothing at all. No reason to keep going, to keep trying to better myself. I will go to Canada, I will go to Spain. But I doubt that I will have much fun there. Depression like I haven’t felt for a year and a half has taken its hold on me again. And I don’t know how, when, or if I will ever shake it again. I wish I could make him trust me again, wish that I could show him just how sorry I am, and just how utterly determined I am to make things right between me and his friends. How determined I am to win him back, to make him see that I can, will, and, indeed already have, changed.

Kevin, you are my world, the only reason I keep living. And now, through my stupid reactions, and actions, words and just utter stupidity, I have lost you. All that I want is to be loved, to be held and kissed, and I will do anything in the world to regain your trust. Name it and consider it done. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me, to take me back and to trust me again. I know I have done you incredible harm, and for that I will never, ever, forgive myself. I will always love you. I always have.